Wanting To Hurt My Boss

In 1986, I had been hired as the Veterans Medical Center architect. I enjoyed my job. I designed the country’s largest sleep laboratory and many other specialized medical spaces. Things were going well. One of my coworkers asked me for a recommendation. He was applying for a promotion.  I started his recommendation letter by stating that I was his coworker and then I went on to describe his work ethic, this education, and his abilities as an architect.  I gave it to him and thought no more about out.

A week later, my boss showed me the letter and accused me of trying to take over his job. I was stunned. I showed him that I had clearly stated that I was a coworker. He didn’t care. From that day forward he put his plan to get me fired into motion. He assigned me projects that would take weeks to complete and then write me up because I had not completed them by the next day.  I couldn’t quit without repaying the cost for my move from New Mexico to California. I was trapped. I had no options. I had a family to support.  I apologized and settled for a downgrade in pay.

Before all this started, I had begun the Course in Miracles, a yearlong course on forgiveness.  Each day I would do the forgiveness exercise in the book, all the while discovering and feeling hate toward my boss. Hate is not in my nature. But that is what I felt whenever I came nearby the boss. I had day dreams of knocking him down the stairs. I wished that he would end up in a car accident. I even had thoughts of sabotaging his car so that he would crash. And I was horrified by this. This was not me. All the while I was doing the daily forgiveness exercises, working my way through the Course in Miracles. I was praying for a miracle. And I got one. My boss accepted a promotion to the other side of the country. 

I continued with the Course in Miracles and told myself that I had forgiven my boss. Things don’t always work just because you say they will. My boss returned for a “detail” assignment. My hair still bristled with great discomfort when I walked by my boss.

 Now I had to act on my forgiveness. This was going to be hard. I braced myself and went into his office. I asked him to come on a break with me. He agreed. We walked to the cafeteria, got some coffee and sat at a secluded table. I took a big breath. “I don’t know where all this craziness came from between you and me,” I said, “but I would ask that you forgive me for the trouble I caused you and I forgive you for what you did to me.”

He got quiet, looked down at the table and then back up at me. “That’s good. I can do that,” he said. I extended my hand and we shook on it. I felt an immediate lifting of a burden. It was palpable.

A few years later, after I had moved to Seattle, his secretary called me and told me that my former boss complimented me during his retirement party. He said that he in all his life he had only made one mistake in judging people. He told those at his party that I was far more intelligent and talented than he initially thought.   

Forgiveness is powerful.