Friday, November 19, 2021

Autumn Geese


 By Mushroom Montoya

When the autumn geese tumble and twirl

With their gobbling and cackling overhead,

My heart wraps its fingers around my throat,

Rolling a swelling lump that stings my eyes,


Making me yearn for bygone days

Of playing ball

                    and tag, 

                                and telling silly stories

with my now

                        dead son.


When autumn geese glide overhead

They gobble down to me,

"We're flying to our nighttime roost,

Before the dark can steal our bed,

Thus we cannot,

                        dare not,

                                    and wish not to stay.


We only come

To remind you

Your Jeremy

                                    is dead.


I cry,

"You don't need to reminds me."

I wail.

I weep.

From way down deep.

"I know my son is gone."


As they cackle away

I can barely hear them say,

"Only his body, 

                    Only his body,

                                        Only his body.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Cranes of Autumn

 I don't need reminders

Signs,  or forewarnings , 

Telling me 

that the anniversary

of our son's death 

Is approaching 

In October.


But,

As the autumn leaves begin to fly, 

and my heart starts to cry, 

Sometimes grief visits me 

in a kinder way. 


When the long necked cranes soar

and gobble 

as they twirl and swirl,

strumming my heart strings 

and playing a soulful song:


"He remembers you" 

He thinks of you.

Then he smiles."


I stand gazing upward

Their wings wafting the fire

Of my desire 

to have him back again 


"Memories we bring,".

They continue to sing,

"Love we carry 

from him to you 

And from you to him.


He remembers you.

He thinks of you.

Then he smiles."


I don't need reminders

Signs, or forewarnings 

Telling me our son is dead.


But I love seeing the cranes of autumn

Swirling, twirling, and strumming their song

Across the sky

Soothing me 

In my broken hearted cry.

Friday, July 30, 2021

Strolling In the Neighborhood Woods

Tree people have a calmness, 
they willingly bestow 
with those who stroll 
in their presence. 

They vibrate their tranquility 
around our hearts 
as our feet plod 
along the paths 
beneath their branches. 

They cackle or whisper
stories and songs
when the wind breezes by.

If we slow down
and listen
we will hear them. 

They giggle 
when grandmother spider 
catches our faces 
in her web.

 

Saturday, June 19, 2021

My First Father’s Day

In the wee hours of December 18th, 1969, while the Southern California winter’s cool darkness lounged outside, Roberta got out of bed, walked around to my side, and shook me awake. A peculiar odor assaulted my nose and permeated the bedroom’s air. My parents had invited us to sleep at their house in case Roberta went into labor while I was at work. IT’S TIME! jumped up and down excitedly in my thoughts. I sat up forcing my body to wake up. I pulled back the covers, swung my feet out of the bed, and stepped into a large wet puddle.

“I think my water broke,” Roberta said. “I thought I was peeing at first but the liquid keeps coming out.”

My mother came into our bedroom, heard what Roberta had said, and ran back into the closet to grab a large blanket. I went into the bathroom, dried my feet, threw some water on my face, and went back into the bedroom to get dressed. The commotion had shaken my father awake. He stood at the doorway and told me to hurry, but to drive safely. Roberta had wanted to change out of her wet pajamas but my mother told her that she would probably soak whatever she wore. My mother folded and then wrapped the blanket around Roberta. She gave her another to sit on.

Adrenaline kept my eyes open wide as I raced outside to open the car door. I helped Roberta get into the big yellow 1959 Chevy Biscayne with its wide rear “wings”. I said goodbye to my parents who were standing by the curb as I closed Roberta’s door. I pushed in the clutch, turned on the car’s engine, and turned on the lights. I drove in the early morning winter darkness up the 605 freeway to the Kaiser hospital in Bellflower. I parked the car near the emergency room entrance. We walked into the emergency room reception area. “She’s having a baby and her water broke,” I said to the first official-looking person I saw.

A nurse came in through a door behind the reception area and asked Roberta a bunch of questions while the receptionist kept me busy producing identification, showing proof of Kaiser insurance, and filling out hospital forms.

I’m going to be a father, I thought over and over again as I filled the paperwork out.
A nurse told me that she was going to take Roberta into the Labor and Delivery area upstairs. They put Roberta in a wheelchair and left through a pair of off-white doors.

When I finished filling out the paperwork, the receptionist told me that I could go to the Father’s waiting room on the 6th floor. I ran to the elevator and shuffled my feet waiting for the elevator. There was one other man in the Father’s waiting room. I went into the hallway and asked if I would see my wife. “Oh no!” the nurse said. “No men are allowed in the Labor and Delivery room. Didn’t they tell you that?”

“They told us that I couldn’t be in the birthing room, but they didn’t say I couldn’t be with her before that.” I heard a woman belt out a blood-curdling scream. My stomach did a somersault. I hoped it wasn’t Roberta. It didn’t sound like her voice. I went back into the father’s waiting room and paced the floor. Later that morning, a nurse came into the Father’s waiting room and called my name. My muscles tensed with excitement. “Did she have it?” My shoulders slumped when she told me that Roberta would be there for a long time. They told me that they might have to induce labor, so I might as well go home and get some sleep. I argued that I didn’t want to miss our baby’s birth. She assured me that Roberta still had a long way to go. I worried about her and felt that it was so unfair that she had to be in there alone. I didn’t want to go, but the nurse was insistent, telling me that I would be a better new father if I was wide awake. I was already wide awake from the adrenaline, but I went home anyway.

My mother greeted me with a glowing smile when I walked in the door. “What is it? A boy? A girl?” she beamed. “They sent me home because Bertie has a long way to go,” I said as weariness sat on my shoulders and pulled on my cheeks and eyelids. “I cleaned up the floor and took off the blankets,” my mother said, “but Roberta’s side is still wet. Why don’t you take a nap on the couch?” Sleep quickly overcame what little resistance I had left.

I ate dinner after I woke up. I kept looking at the clock as I ate dinner. I thanked my mother and then hopped back into the car letting the neighborhood diminish in my rearview mirror. I exceeded the speed limit because I didn’t want to miss our baby’s birth.

I walked back into the hospital and talked to the nurse who told me to go back to the fathers’ waiting room. After a few more hours, a nurse called me to the door. I followed her to another door on the other side of the hallway. She opened it. A baby boy, my baby boy, lay naked in the bassinet. He had a large clip attached to what was left of the umbilical cord. I stared at our baby for as long as I could as they wheeled him away.

Luckily there was a payphone in the fathers’ waiting room. I was so excited that I misheard how big he was. I called my parents and almost yelled over the phone, “He’s 36 inches long and weighs 7 pounds and I can’t remember how many ounces!”

My parents laughed and my mother said, “We know you’re excited but we know that the baby can’t be 36 inches long. We’re on our way to the hospital.”

I went and stood in front of the baby window and paced the floor once again waiting for the nurse to bring my new son, our baby, into the viewing room. What’s taking them so long? I wondered. A nurse finally brought our baby into the viewing room. Jeremy Eric Montoya slept in the bassinet. I beamed and stared. Pride beamed and mixed with a tinge of fear as it welled up within me. Wow! I’m a father now, I thought.